Not long into our own relationship, John and I started to discuss previous relationships. I'd only had a couple of previous boyfriends, but then I was only 18 when I met John. He, on the other hand, came with considerable experience. I don't remember whether I just assumed myself naive, or whether I was impressed with his experience, but I allowed him to show off with stories of his past relationships. He discussed two women in particular - Kate, the girl he was engaged to for a while when he was 19, and Georgie the, the one who had been round all his mates. He told me that he had been devastated when Kate ended their engagement, in fact he was so upset that her mother took pity on him and took him into her bed. Several times! At that point I remember thinking, 'I'm out of my depth here'. Still, I stayed with him.
One evening we went to the 21st Birthday party of a friend of his. John went missing for a while so I went to look for him. As I walked up the stairs I could hear his voice talking to a woman. It was Georgie, one of his ex-girlfriends. As I reached the top of the stairs I heard her say, 'See you on Wednesday night then, can you remember where I live?'. What should I have done? Walked away. of course. What did I do? Ran off crying. He followed me, apologised, said it would never happen again and he only wanted to be with me.
Thinking back, I feel so foolish for my actions. However, they are part of my past and I am unable to change them.
Saturday 12 November 2011
Wednesday 9 November 2011
Today
This evening I'm sitting on my bed, in the house that he lied and cheated me into buying - it's worth £170K but I have a mortgage of £100K - this is my current position after 27 years of marriage where every single week I brought a wage in, mostly a full time wage and over the last few years earning more money than he did. Not that I had any money throughout that 27 years - John took just about every penny I earned and used it as he saw fit. By the way, the house he lives in has a £60K mortgage and is worth £400K.
My little house is in darkness apart from the light of my laptop while I type this blog post. I'm not listening to the TV or radio - I need to be aware of all the sounds happening outside the house.
Today was the day John received the letter from my solicitor. Today was the day he harassed me all day long, calling me at work making threats and putting me in a vulnerable position. Today was the day he called my solicitor back stating he wouldn't be agreeing to what the letter asked, and that I wasn't entitled to anything from the house I had left a year ago in order to get away from him.
I left work at 5.30pm. As I made my way to the car park - a 10 minute walk- my eyes were on the lookout and my ears were burning. Was he somewhere near, following me? My mobile phone bleeped, a new message. Guess who from. 'You had better get that notice of interest off my house by Friday, or there won't be a house left for you to have an interest in'. This didn't frighten me - anyone who has been in a relationship with a controlling person knows they are mostly full of empty threats. Bleep. 'If you don't stop doing what you're doing...' (i.e. using a solicitor to file for divorce) '...you're following a dangerous path.' No, I told myself, I am leaving the dangerous path and making a new life.
Suddenly I felt so alone. Of course all 'our' - now his - 'friends' think the world of him. Nice, charming, do anything for anybody John. Anybody except his wife and daughter that is. Of course they don't know the real John, the John who walks up the path each evening on his return from work while his daughter and wife cower and wonder what kind of mood he will be in. The John who walks into the living room while we are in the middle of watching a TV programme, picks up the remote and flicks on to another channel, then walks back out of the room. The John who does not allow laughter in his house - except at the expense of his wife or daughter or when his friends are around. The John who throws countless cups of hot tea at his wife (only a couple ever hit me - I became very good at dodging). The John who is capable of trying to strangle his own daughter yet making such a fuss of everyone else's daughters. The John who has never shown even an ounce of love towards his own daughter. No, his 'friends' appear to have decided how poorly done to he is, left alone by his wife to fend for himself. Along they come, helping him out in his big house with his not so big mortgage, bringing him food and helping him with household chores. Poor lonely John.
My little house is in darkness apart from the light of my laptop while I type this blog post. I'm not listening to the TV or radio - I need to be aware of all the sounds happening outside the house.
Today was the day John received the letter from my solicitor. Today was the day he harassed me all day long, calling me at work making threats and putting me in a vulnerable position. Today was the day he called my solicitor back stating he wouldn't be agreeing to what the letter asked, and that I wasn't entitled to anything from the house I had left a year ago in order to get away from him.
I left work at 5.30pm. As I made my way to the car park - a 10 minute walk- my eyes were on the lookout and my ears were burning. Was he somewhere near, following me? My mobile phone bleeped, a new message. Guess who from. 'You had better get that notice of interest off my house by Friday, or there won't be a house left for you to have an interest in'. This didn't frighten me - anyone who has been in a relationship with a controlling person knows they are mostly full of empty threats. Bleep. 'If you don't stop doing what you're doing...' (i.e. using a solicitor to file for divorce) '...you're following a dangerous path.' No, I told myself, I am leaving the dangerous path and making a new life.
Suddenly I felt so alone. Of course all 'our' - now his - 'friends' think the world of him. Nice, charming, do anything for anybody John. Anybody except his wife and daughter that is. Of course they don't know the real John, the John who walks up the path each evening on his return from work while his daughter and wife cower and wonder what kind of mood he will be in. The John who walks into the living room while we are in the middle of watching a TV programme, picks up the remote and flicks on to another channel, then walks back out of the room. The John who does not allow laughter in his house - except at the expense of his wife or daughter or when his friends are around. The John who throws countless cups of hot tea at his wife (only a couple ever hit me - I became very good at dodging). The John who is capable of trying to strangle his own daughter yet making such a fuss of everyone else's daughters. The John who has never shown even an ounce of love towards his own daughter. No, his 'friends' appear to have decided how poorly done to he is, left alone by his wife to fend for himself. Along they come, helping him out in his big house with his not so big mortgage, bringing him food and helping him with household chores. Poor lonely John.
Sunday 6 November 2011
Getting to know him
I really don't remember too much negativity about our first four years together. We had our good and bad patches, but doesn't any relationship? I do remember knowing something wasn't right in our relationship, and crying in my bed at night knowing I must end it, even writing letters to him saying we were finished - though I didn't actually send any of them.
I wouldn't want readers to think it was all bad - it wasn't. We had a good time in between incidents. He would take me out on the back of his motorbike at weekends, visit me two or three evenings at home during the week. We would go off for weekend trips, even holidays (though after our two week break in Ibiza he told me he hated the place, however went back the following year with his mates and I found photos of other girls they had become 'friends' with).
I'm trying to remember one incident more clearly. I know it was a Friday night and I was out on the town with my girlfriends while John was out with his mates. We would meet up for last orders in one particular pub, The Three Tuns. I have no idea what started it, but I remember one of my friends saying something that upset him. All of a sudden he had her face in his hand and was twisting it. I remember grabbing his hand and pulling him away from her. Then and there I finished the relationship, didn't see or call him again for two weeks. Again, I really cannot explain why, but I missed him with all my heart. How could I? What sort of person was I who could miss someone who had acted in this way? I cried inside for the whole two weeks, felt humiliated by my boyfriend but also felt so alone without him. After two weeks he called me and we were back together. For this, I feel ashamed and will never forgive myself.
Another time I was out for a drink with another friend, who casually dropped into the conversation that John had given her a lift home after seeing her out one night - and called in at his for a coffee on the way! One of my best freinds - how devastated did I feel! Again, the person I am now would not have continued in this relationship, but the girl I was then, for whatever reason, did just that.
I wouldn't want readers to think it was all bad - it wasn't. We had a good time in between incidents. He would take me out on the back of his motorbike at weekends, visit me two or three evenings at home during the week. We would go off for weekend trips, even holidays (though after our two week break in Ibiza he told me he hated the place, however went back the following year with his mates and I found photos of other girls they had become 'friends' with).
I'm trying to remember one incident more clearly. I know it was a Friday night and I was out on the town with my girlfriends while John was out with his mates. We would meet up for last orders in one particular pub, The Three Tuns. I have no idea what started it, but I remember one of my friends saying something that upset him. All of a sudden he had her face in his hand and was twisting it. I remember grabbing his hand and pulling him away from her. Then and there I finished the relationship, didn't see or call him again for two weeks. Again, I really cannot explain why, but I missed him with all my heart. How could I? What sort of person was I who could miss someone who had acted in this way? I cried inside for the whole two weeks, felt humiliated by my boyfriend but also felt so alone without him. After two weeks he called me and we were back together. For this, I feel ashamed and will never forgive myself.
Another time I was out for a drink with another friend, who casually dropped into the conversation that John had given her a lift home after seeing her out one night - and called in at his for a coffee on the way! One of my best freinds - how devastated did I feel! Again, the person I am now would not have continued in this relationship, but the girl I was then, for whatever reason, did just that.
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