I really don't remember too much negativity about our first four years together. We had our good and bad patches, but doesn't any relationship? I do remember knowing something wasn't right in our relationship, and crying in my bed at night knowing I must end it, even writing letters to him saying we were finished - though I didn't actually send any of them.
I wouldn't want readers to think it was all bad - it wasn't. We had a good time in between incidents. He would take me out on the back of his motorbike at weekends, visit me two or three evenings at home during the week. We would go off for weekend trips, even holidays (though after our two week break in Ibiza he told me he hated the place, however went back the following year with his mates and I found photos of other girls they had become 'friends' with).
I'm trying to remember one incident more clearly. I know it was a Friday night and I was out on the town with my girlfriends while John was out with his mates. We would meet up for last orders in one particular pub, The Three Tuns. I have no idea what started it, but I remember one of my friends saying something that upset him. All of a sudden he had her face in his hand and was twisting it. I remember grabbing his hand and pulling him away from her. Then and there I finished the relationship, didn't see or call him again for two weeks. Again, I really cannot explain why, but I missed him with all my heart. How could I? What sort of person was I who could miss someone who had acted in this way? I cried inside for the whole two weeks, felt humiliated by my boyfriend but also felt so alone without him. After two weeks he called me and we were back together. For this, I feel ashamed and will never forgive myself.
Another time I was out for a drink with another friend, who casually dropped into the conversation that John had given her a lift home after seeing her out one night - and called in at his for a coffee on the way! One of my best freinds - how devastated did I feel! Again, the person I am now would not have continued in this relationship, but the girl I was then, for whatever reason, did just that.
