Our first year

January 1982 came and went. I began to forget about the Suzie episode and life returned to normal. Our relationship ran fairly smoothly for the next few months, if I recall correctly. John would come round to our house three evenings during the week, we would meet up for last orders on Friday nights and go out as a couple on Saturdays. I say fairly smoothly, looking back I could kick myself for some of the things I found flattering at the time. The constant touching I had put down to him not being able to keep his hands off me, but the constant little put-me-downs, why did I let him do that? I realise that I was young and naive, but am still unable to understand why I let myself be opressed within a relationship. No matter how many times I search my memory for possible reasons, I come up with a vast blank.  One thing I do know, however, is that it used to be part of my personality. At school I was quiet and shy, and I remember being around 17 years old and hoping and praying that I would find someone to settle down with, even if they weren't the nicest person in the World just someone to share my life with, and hoping that just because I was the worst looking of all my mates (in my eyes at the time) I wouldn't be 'left on the shelf'. Still I can't find a reason why I had these thoughts, though it's obvious to me now that I was suffering from lack of self esteem. Where that came from, I have no idea.

Our First Christmas

October to December 1980 were happy months. I was in love for the first time, in a proper adult relationship with a man 5 years my senior.

Christmas Eve. Suzie and I were at a nightclub in the City Centre, dancing and having fun. I remember the DJ playing Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody at midnight. Our spirits were high as we chatted on our walk back to the taxi rank. Out of the blue she said, 'I saw John today, we had a good game of squash'. My heart sank - he had called me late afternoon and hadn't mentioned anything about meeting Suzie for a game of squash. I didn't question her, just pretended I already knew and carried on chatting. Inside my heart was breaking.

Christmas Day was completely ruined for me, I felt devastated. I tried to put on a brave face but my parents kept asking what was wrong. Inside my head I was coming up with all the excuses I could find as to why he hadn't told me, but I knew the real reason. Suzie was gorgeous, and she knew it. She could have any guy she wanted. But she didn't want John - I knew that for sure. I felt so stupid. Of course he hadn't been looking at me that night in October, I was just a way of getting to Suzie. I should end the relationship with him before he could hurt me any further.

But I didn't. Instead I asked him about the game of squash. His reply, 'Her white shorts were so short, I could have been in there'. Then he laughed and said, 'It was only a game of squash, what are you going on about?'. I kept on hurting for the next month, then I let it go. Looking back, I have no idea why!