The signs were there from the start - of course it's easy to look back and say that now. At the time they weren't apparent to me. I knew nothing but a loving family home, was naive to the turbulent events which occurred in some people's lives.
The Friday following the night I gave John a life home, my friend Lizzie and I were out on the town when we bumped into John and his mate Andy. An hour or so later Lizzie and I had agreed to go out as a foursome with them the next evening. John kept on joking with me, 'Have I drawn the short straw?'. He said it flirtatiously, and I joked back that there were no short straws with me and Lizzie. Putdown number 1 - before we were even dating - and I hadn't even recognised it!
Neither did I recognise the fact that he started telling me to change the way I dressed. He wanted me to dress in pencil skirts with stockings tops showing beneath the split of the skirt if you looked hard enough. And I did it - to please him. Then when we were in the pub having a drink he would place his hand at the top of the split in my skirt. I thought it was because he couldn't keep his hands off me - in reality, of course, it was an ownership statement.
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Sunday 25 September 2011
Early Years
I'm not going to pretend I've been an Angel. I'm just an ordinary woman with strengths and weaknesses of my own.
At school I was quiet and shy, kept the same small group of friends throughout - OK apart from one or two turbulent periods but hey, that was then we were teenagers so what else would you expect? We were good girls though, not brilliantly academic but kept out of trouble, just average teenagers. The worst we ever did was annoy our parents by talking for hours on the phone in the evenings and running up their bills, but that was common in the 70's. Then, when we left school and started earning we discovered night life and would go out into the town centre Friday and Saturday nights, get tipsy and flirt with the boys - all pretty much innocent stuff.
I was a skinny teenager in an era when voluptuous bodies were much the preference. That, together with my lack of confidence, didn't put me in great stead as girlfriend material. However, while studying in the 6th Form my confidence grew and along with that came my first boyfriend, Phil. The relationship lasted three funfilled months - all totally innocent apart from kissing in the back row - and helped me gain self esteem. A few months later along came Adam, a mate of my cousin. Like Phil, Adam was another nice lad. Mum was impressed because he was Catholic (like I was supposed to be) and had achieved good results in School. He would help my little sister with her homework - hence Mum was even more impressed! But he would post me love letters through the door telling me how much we loved each other - we had barely kissed - and weeks before my 18th he started talking about this special piece of jewellery he was going to buy for my birthday. Freaked out, I ended the relationship. Needless to say, Mum was devastated.
So a few months later there I was, on the dance floor with Suzie looking out of the corner of my eye at John watching over us. He wasn't like my previous boyfriends, I knew that all right. He was a bad lad with a bad reputation. But I had a taste for him, wanted some excitement in my life, so when he asked about a lift home, of course I agreed!
At school I was quiet and shy, kept the same small group of friends throughout - OK apart from one or two turbulent periods but hey, that was then we were teenagers so what else would you expect? We were good girls though, not brilliantly academic but kept out of trouble, just average teenagers. The worst we ever did was annoy our parents by talking for hours on the phone in the evenings and running up their bills, but that was common in the 70's. Then, when we left school and started earning we discovered night life and would go out into the town centre Friday and Saturday nights, get tipsy and flirt with the boys - all pretty much innocent stuff.
I was a skinny teenager in an era when voluptuous bodies were much the preference. That, together with my lack of confidence, didn't put me in great stead as girlfriend material. However, while studying in the 6th Form my confidence grew and along with that came my first boyfriend, Phil. The relationship lasted three funfilled months - all totally innocent apart from kissing in the back row - and helped me gain self esteem. A few months later along came Adam, a mate of my cousin. Like Phil, Adam was another nice lad. Mum was impressed because he was Catholic (like I was supposed to be) and had achieved good results in School. He would help my little sister with her homework - hence Mum was even more impressed! But he would post me love letters through the door telling me how much we loved each other - we had barely kissed - and weeks before my 18th he started talking about this special piece of jewellery he was going to buy for my birthday. Freaked out, I ended the relationship. Needless to say, Mum was devastated.
So a few months later there I was, on the dance floor with Suzie looking out of the corner of my eye at John watching over us. He wasn't like my previous boyfriends, I knew that all right. He was a bad lad with a bad reputation. But I had a taste for him, wanted some excitement in my life, so when he asked about a lift home, of course I agreed!
Sunday 18 September 2011
Summer 2010
Summer 2010. 'Remember that time when you called the police and got him arrested, that was funny'. I froze, my body went numb, I could feel my lips begin to quiver. Keep strong, don't react. I knew not to attempt to speak. I knew no words would come, only tears. How could she, how could my own mother say such a thing? Breathe. Be strong. Oh God I'm going to cry. Weakness. Please don't let me cry. Somehow I pulled it together, changed the subject, made my excuses and left. The tears came as soon as I drove out of my parents' driveway. What a sorry sight I must have looked, driving down the road sobbing relentlessly. The hurt wasn't from the night she referred to; those were only feelings of anger and hatred. The hurt was that my mum, who I love dearly, could yet again dismiss the suffering I and - more importantly - my now grown children had been been subjected to. I have a theory - no real evidence to support it - that my mum can't bear to think of what we have been through so she pretends it never happened and that he is a good man. I hope my theory is correct. If it's not that pain really would be too much to bear.
October 1980. 'I wish John would stop looking at me'. My mate Suzie. Lovely girl, very attractive, very girlie. Very popular with all the blokes. We were on the dance floor and she was drawing attention to herself as usual. I knew he was looking at me really, but I let her continue because it seemed to make her happy being the centre of attention. And she usually was - it was a surprise that someone was actually looking at me when Suzie was around. I knew he was looking at me because I kept smiling at a male friend across the dance floor - and every time I did so he looked over at my friend too. I was doing it on purpose, both to check that he really was looking at me and to make him jealous. Anyway it worked because when we left he asked for a lift home in my car. I agreed and that was the start of our 30 year relationship.
October 1980. 'I wish John would stop looking at me'. My mate Suzie. Lovely girl, very attractive, very girlie. Very popular with all the blokes. We were on the dance floor and she was drawing attention to herself as usual. I knew he was looking at me really, but I let her continue because it seemed to make her happy being the centre of attention. And she usually was - it was a surprise that someone was actually looking at me when Suzie was around. I knew he was looking at me because I kept smiling at a male friend across the dance floor - and every time I did so he looked over at my friend too. I was doing it on purpose, both to check that he really was looking at me and to make him jealous. Anyway it worked because when we left he asked for a lift home in my car. I agreed and that was the start of our 30 year relationship.
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