Our first year

January 1982 came and went. I began to forget about the Suzie episode and life returned to normal. Our relationship ran fairly smoothly for the next few months, if I recall correctly. John would come round to our house three evenings during the week, we would meet up for last orders on Friday nights and go out as a couple on Saturdays. I say fairly smoothly, looking back I could kick myself for some of the things I found flattering at the time. The constant touching I had put down to him not being able to keep his hands off me, but the constant little put-me-downs, why did I let him do that? I realise that I was young and naive, but am still unable to understand why I let myself be opressed within a relationship. No matter how many times I search my memory for possible reasons, I come up with a vast blank.  One thing I do know, however, is that it used to be part of my personality. At school I was quiet and shy, and I remember being around 17 years old and hoping and praying that I would find someone to settle down with, even if they weren't the nicest person in the World just someone to share my life with, and hoping that just because I was the worst looking of all my mates (in my eyes at the time) I wouldn't be 'left on the shelf'. Still I can't find a reason why I had these thoughts, though it's obvious to me now that I was suffering from lack of self esteem. Where that came from, I have no idea.

Early Signs

The signs were there from the start - of course it's easy to look back and say that now. At the time they weren't apparent to me. I knew nothing but a loving family home, was naive to the turbulent events which occurred in some people's lives.

The Friday following the night I gave John a life home, my friend Lizzie and I were out on the town when we bumped into John and his mate Andy. An hour or so later Lizzie and I had agreed to go out as a foursome with them the next evening. John kept on joking with me, 'Have I drawn  the short straw?'. He said it flirtatiously, and I joked back that there were no short straws with me and Lizzie. Putdown number 1 - before we were even dating - and I hadn't even recognised it!

Neither did I recognise the fact that he started telling me to change the way I dressed. He wanted me to dress in pencil skirts with stockings tops showing beneath the split of the skirt if you looked hard enough. And I did it - to please him. Then when we were in the pub having a drink he would place his hand at the top of the split in my skirt. I thought it was because he couldn't keep his hands off me - in reality, of course, it was an ownership statement.