Our first year

January 1982 came and went. I began to forget about the Suzie episode and life returned to normal. Our relationship ran fairly smoothly for the next few months, if I recall correctly. John would come round to our house three evenings during the week, we would meet up for last orders on Friday nights and go out as a couple on Saturdays. I say fairly smoothly, looking back I could kick myself for some of the things I found flattering at the time. The constant touching I had put down to him not being able to keep his hands off me, but the constant little put-me-downs, why did I let him do that? I realise that I was young and naive, but am still unable to understand why I let myself be opressed within a relationship. No matter how many times I search my memory for possible reasons, I come up with a vast blank.  One thing I do know, however, is that it used to be part of my personality. At school I was quiet and shy, and I remember being around 17 years old and hoping and praying that I would find someone to settle down with, even if they weren't the nicest person in the World just someone to share my life with, and hoping that just because I was the worst looking of all my mates (in my eyes at the time) I wouldn't be 'left on the shelf'. Still I can't find a reason why I had these thoughts, though it's obvious to me now that I was suffering from lack of self esteem. Where that came from, I have no idea.